Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Dear Red States,

If you are a reader of The Main Bang, you can skip this post. I'm not sure where JTB found this one, but if you Google "Dear Red States" you'll come up with numerous sources. It's funny, sad and a little scary when you consider the irony of where many of our resources and much of our consumption is located.

Dear Red States:

We're ticked off at the way you've treated California and we've decided we're leaving.

We intend to form our own country and we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware that includes Nevada, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly:

You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.

We get stem cell research and the best beaches.

We get John Edwards. You get Ken Lay.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand.

We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.

We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.

We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama.

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue. You get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro choice and anti war and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home.

We wish you success in Iraq and hope that the WMDs turn up but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand we will have firm control of 80% of the country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90% of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the US low sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans and their projected health care costs, 92% of all US mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood, Lake Tahoe, and Yosemite, thank you.

38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61% of you crazy *!#%^$*!'s believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

We're taking the good pot too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.

Sincerely, Author Unknown in New California.


Well I guess I'll have to move since Missouri is a Red State!


Anonymous said...

It was the third to last sentence that got me! Steve

Mike said...

You can't go. You could be the swing vote next election that turns MO into a blue state. It could happen! Right after you track those pigs on your radar.

Bilbo said...

Let's see...I can stay in Nuevo California and be stuck with all the silly, empty-headed "liberals," or I can move to Bluesylvania and be stuck with all the stupid, empty-headed conservatives. I think I'll move to Australia. Maybe Amanda has a spare room I can rent in Brisbane.

John said...

I should mention that:

I am a Southern Baptist evangelist and because I believe that God is a God of miracles, I don't have a problem believing that the Book of Jonah is more than an allegory and happened as recorded,

That innocent life is sacred,

And that evolution is only a theory (and a poorly conceived theory, at that).

Bilbo's "silly, empty-headed 'liberals' or stupid empty-headed conservatives" really sum it up. When people have their thinking done by the talking heads instead of doing it for themselves, they are both silly and stupid.

Sicilian said...

Well. . . . . I am a little upset to be thrown out the group. . . there has to be a way for those of us loving the former Nation of Texas to bold from the blue. . .
There are many of us here with true red hearts.