Regrets...

This is a post that I thought about a few weeks ago. The reason that I didn't write it at the time is because one of the people that I wanted to tag so she could read it was in a medically induced coma at the time. Last weekend she died.

I never met Rachel Held Evans (RHE) and really haven't been following her for very long. I just finished reading her book Searching for Sunday and had already read her book Inspired. I think I would have liked her.

The reason that I wanted to write about her and a couple of other women that I follow on Twitter is to offer my apologies and regrets for having been a part of the male dominated evangelical clergy that often ignores and dismisses the contributions of women. I could blame the religious culture for shaping my thoughts on women in ministry, but that would be unfair. My thoughts, views, and opinions are mine and I have to accept the responsibility for them. I'm not sure where conservative religion got the idea that we (men) cannot learn biblical truths from women. I know that the standard response will be -- it's in the Bible, but I think that I can safely say that is a pretty skewed point of view.

Do you know that over the past couple of decades I have never read through a Beth Moore bible study or book?
I somehow believed that she was a good women's teacher but would have little to offer me. I have been following her on Twitter for a few months (thanks to RHE) and have benefited from her wisdom and insights. I'm going to have to make time to read some of her stuff (recommendations are welcome).

Another woman that I have recently started following (also from following RHE) is Rev. Jes Kast. I enjoy her encouragement and posts and think I'd like to listen to a few of her sermons and learn about life, love and Jesus from her.

I'm finding that growing spiritually and learning through areas where I've been wrong isn't as hard as one might think. Admitting that you are wrong and need to change your thinking is the hard part. Realizing that you have taught bad ideas to others is incredibly disturbing. Knowing that I have been a part of failing to recognize the gifts that God has given to so many women is cause for personal shame. It's really weird that I didn't have a problem with women supervisors or bosses, but somehow managed to believe that church was different.
(smh)

I know that I am less harsh on people than I once was. I'm learning to recognize that I have no idea what others are going through. I am looking for commonalities with others rather than focusing on differences. Rather than becoming a grumpy old man, I am becoming more introspective and thoughtful. Don't get me wrong -- the grumpy old guy is still in here; I'm just working on keeping him locked up with Ugly John.

I really am ashamed that there was a time in my life that dismissing others was so easy; when judging others by my own bigoted standards or standards borrowed from others was so much easier than seeing them the way God sees them. Sometimes I think to myself, "Damn! I was an arrogant, egotistical ass."

If that's the way that you know me or knew me -- I am sorry.
In reality, I know that those that I have been that ass to are not reading this, so feel free to share it around. It may be difficult to believe that John is becoming a decent kind of guy, but I'm working on it. It probably isn't a good idea for an evangelical preacher to admit that he struggles to walk with Jesus, but that is my truth. That is my life.

Lately, I've been thinking of the African proverb -- If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go with someone. 
So I'm walking with this guy, Jesus. I'm learning some stuff, too. If you find yourself racing through life alone,
slow down.
Walk with us.
We can use the company
... and we have a long way to go.

John <><